When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him Unable to resist Ana s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too but on his own terms Shocked yet thrilled by Grey s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates For all the trappings of success his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey s secrets and explores her own dark desires.Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.This book is intended for mature audiences. Those of you who have had the privilege of reading Fifty Shades of Grey will appreciate the context in which this review was written For those of you who have not read the book, well, you ll have to buy a copy to understand the inside joke CONTRACTDated this day 28th day of October, 2011BETWEENP.A LUPTON reader, and fan, Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James AndALL FANS OF EROTIC, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCEEXPECTATIONSReaders can expect to find within the pages of this book a flawless rendering of the internal, psychological struggles of a novice submissive in a BDSM relationship Anastasia Steele is an innocent to sexual relationships, let alone BDSM relationships E L James captures perfectly her fears, confusions, insecurities, and internal conflicts as she deals with falling in first love with a man who epitomizes the meaning of dominant.CHARACTERSThe reader shall discover within this novel two of the most well thought out and in depth characters The hero Christian Grey admits that he is Fifty shades of Fu ed up, which makes the reader want to delve in and learn about each of those fifty shades The heroine Anastasia Steele is a study in contradictions smart but na ve, innocent yet sensual, independent yet submissive, and these paradoxes keep the reader captivated and eager to learn THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWSUpon signing this contract, you the fan agree to proceed to your nearest bookstore, or e book retailer, and immediately purchase a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey I PA Lupton warrant that upon reading said copy a multitude of emotions will inevitably ensue I further warrant that disappointment will not be one of the aforementioned emotions Your signature on this contract further indicates your accord in following the rules set out in APPENDIX 1 to this agreement.SIGNATURE APPENDIX 1RULES1 Please ensure that you have Kleenex prepared when you read this novel as build up of emotions will unavoidably lead to the inadvertent shedding of tears.2 Make certain to schedule ample time for reading as once you begin you will be unable to put your book down Be warned If obligations force you to cease reading prior to completion, for long periods of time, it will inevitably lead to impatience and frustration.3 IMPORTANT Cold liquids, ice, cool cloths, or any cooling equipment such as central air or electric fans should be close at hand Reading the romantic i.e sex scenes in this book without these cooling devices will certainly lead to overheating 4 Enjoy Trigger Warning This review contains strong themes, to include rape Before I begin what will likely become a very long rant public service announcement, let me first say a few words I have nothing against E.L James Nothing She s said that this series is a fantasy she managed to put on paper and that she never expected it to gain such momentum Good for her for perusing her dream of writing If this book also fulfills one of your fantasies, or if you just plain enjoyed it, good for you too This review is in no way meant to belittle or condemn you for liking these books, and nor is it an attack on the author These are solely MY OPINIONS about how dangerous FSoG is to society and specifically to women Needless to say, this book does not fulfill one of my fantasies It s pretty much my biggest nightmare But it s just fiction No You can t use that argument with me Not any This book is not just fiction This book has become a frigging phenomenon As I write this, over 70 million copies have been sold in the United States alone, hardware stores have run out of natural fiber rope and there are even BDSM for Beginners classes cropping up in small town America.So excuse me, but I can t just read this and think of it like a fantasy, not when it s become a reality for so many people, and not when I was so enraged by what I found within it.Okay everyone, take a deep breath, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and settle in We re going to be here for a while First up is probably the most inflammatory of the statements I m going to make, so we might as well rip the band aid off.THIS BOOK PERPETUATES THE RAPE CULTURE WE WERE ALL RAISED IN.There, I ve said it I m not taking it back and I m not apologizing If you re unfamiliar with this phrase, allow me to elaborate Wikipedia defines rape culture as A term used within women s studies and feminism, describing a culture in which rape and other sexual violence usually against women are common and in which prevalent attitudes, norms, practices, and media condone, normalize, excuse, or encourage sexualized violence Let s look at the first half of that definition As much as we may want to ignore the facts, rape and sexual violence are common in America According to RAINN, the nation s largest anti sexual violence organization, someone in the U.S is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes On average that s about 207,754 sexual assaults each year 54% of sexual assaults are not reported, 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail and 2 3 of these assaults are committed by someone known to the victim.I could go on for days about how prevalent attitudes, practices, and the media condone sexual violence, but I won t because I m really going to try and keep my words and links relevant to FSoG Thankfully, throughout my research, I found several hundred.The University of California has an interesting article about how social and cultural norms perpetuate rape and rape culture In it, they specifically address how women are conditioned from early ages to be passive and accept and affect certain attitudes and behaviors Here are some of the social rules they list and elaborate on 1 When spoken to, a woman must acknowledge the other person with a gracious smile.2 Women must answer questions asked of them.3 Women must not bother other people or make a scene because they are uncomfortable.4 When in trouble, it is best to defer to the protection and judgment of men.5 Casual touching or suggestive comments in social settings are meant as a tribute to a woman s desirability.6 It is the natural state of affairs for men to carry the financial burden of social situations.7 When engaged in a social encounter, it is not proper for a woman to superior in any game, sport or discussion if she wants to be accepted.8 Women should always accept and trust the kindness of strangers if they offer help.There s a blog post by Harriet Jacobs that also speaks to this and I urge you to read it in its entirety In short, it says women are raised being told by parents, teachers, media, peers, and all surrounding social strata that it is not okay to set solid and distinct boundaries and reinforce them immediately and dramatically when crossed mean bitch it is not okay to appear distraught or emotional crazy bitch it is not okay to make personal decisions that the adults or other peers in your life do not agree with, and it is not okay to refuse to explain those decisions to others stuck up bitch it is not okay to refuse to agree with somebody, over and over and over again angry bitch it is not okay to have or express conflicted, fluid, or experimental feelings about yourself, your body, your sexuality, your desires, and your needs bitch got daddy issues it is not okay to use your physical strength if you have it to set physical boundaries dyke bitch it is not okay to raise your voice shrill bitch it is not okay to completely and utterly shut down somebody who obviously likes you mean dyke frigid bitch Now how do these two examples relate to FSoG Simply put, Ana, the main character in this series, continuously exhibits the behaviors listed in the rules and seems to have the mentality of those listed in the bullets She might as well be the case study on which both were based.Early in the book there s an interaction between her and a young man named Paul, the son of the couple she works for This is someone she says has always been a buddy Just after they greet each other with a hug, he releases me but keeps a possessive arm draped over my shoulder I shuffle from foot to foot, embarrassed It s good to see Paul, but he s always been overly familiar Does she tell him that she s uncomfortable or step out from beneath his arm No, that d be going against everything that rule number three has taught her Plus, she wouldn t want to come across as a mean bitch now would she Just after this, Paul asks her out Whenever he s home he asks me on a date, and I always say no It s a ritual Is it a ritual Or is it something than that Has Ana, like many of us, been conditioned to follow the rules to such a degree that she doesn t know how to tell him It s not okay to keep asking me out Is she so terrified of breaking cultural norms and coming across as a mean crazy angry dyke shrill frigid bitch that she ll put up with his pursuit of her indefinitely Or does she just not know to put a stop to it because she hasn t been taught to When she turns him down, yet again, he goes on to say Ana, one of these days you ll say yes Creeped out yet You should be How does Ana respond to this declaration By escaping the room they re in and getting back to a crowded store floor What does this tell us She felt the need to flee She felt the need to not be alone with him Part of her clearly recognized the danger of the situation and the repeated advances of her friend But instead of speaking up, she fled.She never voices her discomfort She is the submissive, quiet person that society has taught her to be And 70 million people have read about her and have had these dangerously passive behaviors reinforced, yet again, through her actions, behaviors and words or lack thereof.How will this same mentality play out in a situation involving sexual assault I can tell you, because just a few chapters later, she s sexually assaulted, by another of her friends Jos , I m okay I ve got this I try to push him away rather feebly Ana, please, he whispers, and now he s holding me in his arms, pulling me close Jos , what are you doing You know I like you Ana, please He has one hand at the small of my back holding me against him, the other at my chin tipping back my head Holy fuck he s going to kiss me No, Jos , stop no I push him, but he s a wall of hard muscle, and I cannot shift him His hand has slipped into my hair, and he s holding my head in place Please, Ana, cari o, he whispers against my lips He gently trails kisses along my jaw up to the side of my mouth I feel panicky, drunk, and out of control The feeling is suffocating Jos , no, I plead I don t want this.Luckily, Ana is spared further abuse because the one and only Christian Grey arrives on the scene and saves her How By saying I think the lady said no That s right Ana can try to push Jos away and tell him no multiple times but that s not good enough One sentence from a man and Jos immediately releases her, bringing us back to rule number four When in trouble, it is best to defer to the protection and judgment of men You got that, ladies Don t try to fight back because you ll just be ignored, rely instead on a man Sort of a catch 22 when the one who s going to get you into trouble will likely also be a man.Bear in mind that this little scene takes place in the parking lot outside of a crowded bar, just a shout away from salvation You re probably wondering why Ana didn t scream Why she didn t fight harder Well, I d like to bring up Harriet Jacob s blog post again because just after her bitch list she says this If we teach women that there are only certain ways they may acceptably behave, we should not be surprised when they behave in those ways.And we should not be surprised when they behave these ways during attempted or completed rapes.Women who are taught not to speak up too loudly or too forcefully or too adamantly or too demandingly are not going to shout NO at the top of their goddamn lungs just because some guy is getting uncomfortably close.Women who are taught not to keep arguing are not going to keep saying NO Women who are taught that their needs and desires are not to be trusted, are fickle and wrong and are not to be interpreted by the woman herself, are not going to know how to argue with but you liked kissing, I just thought Women who are taught that physical confrontations make them look crazy will not start hitting, kicking, and screaming until it s too late, if they do at all Nobody obtains the superpower to behave dramatically differently during a frightening confrontation Women will behave the same way they have been taught to behave in all social, professional, and sexual interactions Eerie, isn t it I sure thought so Hopefully by now you re beginning to understand the inflammatory statement this all started with.Not only do Ana s actions and behaviors throughout the book reinforce the horrible societal conditioning that I mentioned earlier but this series also contains a lot of the other facets of rape culture, like victim silencing For instance, once she s collected herself, this happens Turning, I glance at Jos , who looks pretty shamefaced himself and, like me, intimidated by Grey I glare at him I have a few choice words for my so called friend, none of which I can repeat in front of Christian Grey, CEO Ana, who are you kidding He s just seen you hurl all over the ground and into the local flora There s no disguising you lack of ladylike behavior That s right folks It isn t ladylike to yell shrill bitch It isn t ladylike to swear crazy bitch It isn t ladylike to defend yourself after you ve just been sexually assaulted mean bitch Leave that to the menfolk Surely they ll defend you Surely they ll be the ones to address the fact that you were just sexually assaulted Men, you know, the other sex, the ones that have been raised to talk about emotions In public.And while we re discussing this scene we can t forget about rule number eight Women should always accept and trust the kindness of strangers if they offer help That s what Christian is to her at this point in the book A stranger She s seen him only three times, in formal or work related settings, and knows nothing about him other than he s rich, good looking and that his shopping list resembles those of serial killers I ll get to that last part later in the review But accept his help and trust his kindness she does She lets this complete stranger remove her from the bar, assuming that as he s just saved her from a sexual assault, he s not planning one of his own.When she wakes up in his suite the next morning, pantsless by the way, she accuses Christian of stalking her He defends himself by saying if I hadn t come to get you, you d probably waking up in the photographer s Jos s bed, and from what I can remember, you weren t overly enthused about him pressing his suit, he Christian says acidly Pressing his suit I glance up at Christian He s glaring at me, eyes blazing, aggrieved I try to bit my lip, but I fail to repress my giggle Which Medieval chronicle did you escape from You sound like a courtly knight You got that Stalking s okay Because it s better than being raped facepalm I m almost at a loss at how to address the rest of this without copious amounts of swearing How little she s concerned with her friend s behavior is appalling That there s no thought on her end about Christian s allusion to her rape escape is appalling How she glosses over it all and makes a fucking joke about it is appalling It continues by the way I would have been fine I was with Kate And the photographer he Christian snaps at me Jos just got out of line I shrug.A shrug is a dismissive gesture, just in case you were wondering She dismisses sexual assault as getting out of line She downplays the severity of what happened Why does she do this Because it s awkward to talk about it Because it s scary to think that someone she knows and trusts assaulted her and that when she tried to push him away and said no he ignored her Guess what It s always going to suck to talk about It s always scary to realize that statistics say that if you re raped, you ll know your attacker But we need to talk about these things because if we don t, nothing will ever change.And now the grand finale, victim shaming and blaming You see, Jos feels bad for what he did At first, Ana is pissed at him, as she should be, and even after he calls her numerous times and leaves several messages, she continues to ignore him, deciding to let him stew Then the NEXT DAY, this happens The memory of Jos s attempted kiss haunts me I m beginning to feel a bit cruel not calling him back She feels cruel She feels cruel for not returning the calls of the man that forced himself upon her Well, of course she does She s been trained to be gracious and polite He s addressing her Rule number one has taught her that she should smile in this situation so it would make sense that she feels bad for not doing so Two days later, they talk Can I see you I m sorry about Friday night I was drunk and you well Ana please forgive me Of course, I forgive you Jos Just don t do it again You know I don t feel like that about you Here s where I start to get really angry..and you what exactly Were there Were breathing Had tits How can Jos s behavior in any way be blamed on Ana This is the she deserved to be raped because she was wearing a skirt mentality that needs to be burned from our collective minds No one can ever make you do anything Everything you do, every way you behave is a choice that you and you alone make So no, there is no and you.Books like this, with scenes like the ones I ve spoken about only perpetuate our silence, our ignorance, our discomfort, and our complicity They reinforce unhealthy behaviors and thinking patterns and they perpetuate rape culture Authors, I beg you, don t cover tough issues and strong themes if you can t do them justice Grant them the depth and the severity they deserve Please.Blog Facebook Twitter Instagram Pinterest You know, I was beginning to wonder if I needed to change some of my two star books to one star I was thinking that I might not ever personally read a book worthy of one star, and I was messing up my scale by giving some of the lame books I ve read lately two stars instead of one.Thank you E.L James, for proving to me there was something worth waiting for Something that truly exemplifies the meaning of terrible.Now hold up, all you would be defenders I read this whole thing I did not skip anything, I did not skim, I read every word I bought this book with the intention of giving it the benefit of the doubt You see, I love erotica, and I m not ashamed to say that I both read as you see on my 2012 books I ve already read two others and write it myself So I was thinking to myself, oh, maybe there s a possibility that even though this is a twi fiction rewrite, and even though everyone makes fun of it, it could still be a fun little guilty pleasure read that I can laugh along with.NO.NO.NO.NO.This book is NOT erotic sexy funny, even ironically endearing full of sexual taboosThis book IS repetitive plotless well, you knew that painful to get through depicting manipulative, controlling, and self destructive as desirable how to not write a novel how to gain success by using other people s characters, barely changing them and then laughing all the way to the bankMost people know about the twilight matchups so I m not going to go into too much detail, but it was actually quite sickening, how lazy she was to change ANY story details Bella Anastasia, a clumsy girl who grew up in Arizona Las Vegas with her mother, then moved to Forks Vancouver, Washington where her dad stepdad lives, while her mother lives with her new husband in Florida Georgia She has a younger friend named Jacob Jose with a crush on her, and whose dad is friends with her dad, because they are fishing partners and police force army buddies, and who gave her his old truck VW beetle.Edward Christian, who is adopted and has a sibling named Emmett Elliott and a sister named Alice Mia, also adopted, who live with their parents Carlisle Carrick really CARRICK We couldn t even change the first three letters and Esme Grace Their father mother is a doctor Rose Kate and Jasper Ethan are also siblings in this story, but have been changed to be friends of Anastasia, since in Twilight they already have a convenient different last name than the other Cullens.Also, he dazzles her.I can t even function over the fact that upon preparing this book for publishing she couldn t change one fucking thing to make it even remotely different That was too hard TOO DAMN HARD The similarities in character are so untouched that I am sincerely appalled that she thought it different enough to publish as is It s quite disgusting.Alright, continuing on, and once again, I m sure you ve heard this already this book is terribly written Most notably the lack of ability to describe anything other than the few choice phrases she knows how to type He ran his hands through his hair I bit my lip He told me not to bite my lip Oh jeez He grabbed me by the chin to make me look up at him Holy crap I peeked up at him Lather rinse repeat Over And over And over For 500 pages Then there s the case of multiple personality disorder, where she hears the voices of two distinct other pieces of herself in her head The subconscious, the one telling her she s not good enough, and the inner goddess, the one that s all into the sex It s strange because I m also currently reading a book right now, Deadline, where the main character hears a voice in his head because he is literally insane, and it s written almost the exact same way, he talks back to his voice, who presents herself in italics, just as Anastasia talks back to her two italics voices It s funny because she s supposed to be completely normal, and yet shares the same schizophrenic tendencies as a book about someone who is completely insane This is sense Check out this awesome short paragraph from chapter 24 Through the haze of light, I squint and see Christian leaning over me, smiling Amused Amused at me Dressed In black What are these fragments, four in a row What is this punctuation GASP AT HIM BEING CLOTHED Is this supposed to be poetry Let me add some line breaks for poetic interest Through the haze of light, I squint and see ,Christian leaning over me, Smiling Amused Amused at me Dressed In black.That s almost better.Let s have another, shall we, from chapter 24 once I didn t put that song on my iPod, he says casually, and puts his foot down so that I am thrown back into my seat as the car accelerates along the freeway What He knows what he s doing, the bastard Who did And I have to listen to Britney going on and on Whowho The song ends and the iPod shuffles to Damien Rice being morunful Who Who I stare out the window, my stomach churning Who SAY WHO AGAIN, BITCH JUST TRY IT, I DARE YOU.Okay and now, maybe even worse than the writing oh hell, nothing s worse than the writing, nevermind is the lack of plot Now once again, you already know this Do I even need to tell you nothing happens Seeing as it s based off of a book where nothing happens, you can be guaranteed that as we go one step removed, even less happens Here is the part where I apologize to Twilight, where I said, in my page by page commentary below, that 50 Shades was entertaining I was at the very beginning I was young and na ve I didn t realize I m sorry You know how The Office kind of got bad after Jim and Pam got together, because there was really nothing you were waiting for after that This happens by likechapter 2 You re likeokay.what, now we jut have to watch them whine as a couple for the next zillion pages Okay I can t even fathom that there are two other books written about this couple I literally want to open the window and invite birds to eat my eyes out as punishment for buying and reading this book.And now for a bit of tiddlybits, I m going to share some information on storywriting that you guys might find interesting, and will help show exactly why 50 Shades has zero plot I went to school for film, and we had story development classes One thing we were beaten over the head with about is something called the 7 Sentence Story This will help for any writers that are writing their books to be cinematic or would like their novel to be considered for film purposes this is by no means a rule, but a really helpful guideline First, you need a problem, a conflict A reason to tell a story Once you have that, your plot should be able to be described in seven sentences thusly Exposition we are introduced to the protagonist and or main charactersInciting Incident something happens that kicks off the conflict, the whole point of the storyPlot Point 1 because of the inciting incident, character sets off to do something correct the problem, etcMidpoint here in film you might see a montage, but it s a place where either plot point 1 is resolved or there is a transition in the characters way of thinkingPlot Point 2 often an even bigger issue arises, or a twist that changes or accelerates the conflictClimax final showdown or decisions needed to be madeResolution everything comes to an end, the conflict is settled in one way or anotherBasically, if you can tell your story in this way in seven sentences, you ll know that A the main point is clear, B that your story doesn t wander too much in different directions, and C that you actually have a plot to stand on, that you can justify there s enough substance there And since that s a lot of vagueness, we ll go with a classic captive dominant story to show how one tells a story in seven sentences Disney s Beauty and the Beast First, the main conflict Conflict The prince has been turned into a beast and has only a limited time left before he is trapped forever as one.And the seven sentence story Exposition Belle is a smart girl who rejects the advances of Gaston, as she doesn t want to be stuck in a mundane life.Inciting Incident Belle s father gets lost and captured by the Beast in his castle.Plot Point 1 Belle trades her freedom for her father and is prisoner in the castle.Midpoint Belle starts to experience feelings for the Beast and is complacent.Plot Point 2 Belle s father is sick, and the Beast decides to let her go, even though he s giving up his chances of being with her.Climax Gaston comes with an angry mob to destroy the Beast.Resolution While Beast lays dying, his love for Belle turns him back into a human and he can live with her happily ever after Simple, right Of course, other things happen, but no doubt you can communicate the main story with just these sentences Okay, so let s try 50 Shades, which, hilariously, has had its film rights bought already Conflict Anastasia must decide whether to be with a guy who she thinks is super hot but also scares her This fascinating decision, I tell you what Exposition Anastasia is a literary student at WSU.Inciting Incident Anastasia meets Christian on page 7, and thinks he s hot and mysterious and also frustrating It is clear they both have chemistry.Plot Point 1, which is sloppy and all over the place Christian chases her down, brings her to his house and shows her he s into SM Also they have sex.Sorta Midpoint, but kind of squished close to Plot Point 1 Anastasia must decide whether to pledge herself to him via contract if she wants to continue seeing him Plot Point 2 Nah, she s still deciding and whining about how he s kind of scary but continues to have sex with him throughout this whole time There is no plot point 2.Climax Well there isn t really one, it s just kind of an all over the place endingeither the complicated sex scene at the end with the hymnal music or him hitting with her with the belt the next morning, one of the two I guessResolution She says he s too weird and ends it What a complex, thrilling, and incredible plot full of depth SHOULD I HAVE CUT THAT FOR SPOILERS OOPS Did you even care If you ve gotten this far, nope.But guess what We know that there are two other books and they get together and lesson isn t really learned so AWESOME, COOL I guess that s how she gets people to buy the next ones because hot diggedy I can t wait to see them get back together and whine some.And let s talk about the sex for a moment Nothing forbidden actually happens that you ll be like ohhhh how scandalous I want to try that For the most part it s pretty much all basic stuff or basic toy play, because basically he s taking it easier on her since she s inexperienced Except for the belt part at the end, I guess, which just doesn t sound fun.And you already heard about the tampon, so like, that s not even a surprise although imo it s not a big deal anyway Out of all the women having sex on their periods regularly, I can guarantee you there are quite a few men that are tasked with taking the tampon out and throwing it aside I was actually upset about the fact that she is sleeping completely naked in a hotel room bed on day two of her period As if that isn t going to be a mess in the morning.Okay lest I go on as long as the book, you get the point If you want to see , my commentary while reading it is below However, a few things I cannot stand how much the author being middle aged shows from the point of view of this 21 year old I m gonna buy plane ticketson the Internet ARE YOU NOW WHOAOOOAOAOA Don t get crazy on us, I might be too overwhelmed by this turn of events I fired up my email BLAZING SPEEDS REQUIRED They actually do the you hang up no you hang up no you that gross couples tend to do And it was, expectedly, gross Someone on ONTD who liked this book yelled at me because I said that Christian is not a dominant they also said I wasn t experienced enough to understand, lol okay, like you know who I am, anon I still stand by that statement It s not what he s doing, it s how he s doing it He is deeply troubled, whiny, and manipulative, and while he does love control, it s for the wrong reasons He was abused as a child, and sexually abused as a 15 year old and vastly denies it, and because of this he justifies his activities as personal preference when he is in fact a bit too fucked up to currently have a relationship He ends up making the na ve Anastasia batshit crazy because he continues to string her along, trying to convince her they want the same things, instead of getting himself some help He gives her the illusion that she has the choice to back out, but then turns around and says ha ha I m joking but I know where to find you by the way She goes to visit her mother because she needs a break from him to think, and what does he do Flies out there, using his roundabout stalker way of finding information about where she s at, like he always does, to meet up, have sex with her and take her out with him She s supposed to be visiting her mother and having time to think, yet he can t stay away and makes this about HIM, taking her away from time with her mom whom she hasn t seen in 6 months I can t at this selfish fucking bastard because he just can t stay away.It makes me mad just thinking about someone that clingy Which is another thing that pisses me off, almost everything about their whining and relationship conversations reminds me of everything I ve hated about past relationships I ve had How does ANYONE enjoy this book How does anyone think that this is sexy, that this depicts something they want I can t even.I cannot Also I should never have imagined Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl as the main characters Now everytime I see a commercial for Gossip Girl, rage courses through my body I m bored Someone get me out of here.P.S Did you know that James recently stated she s set the bar for writing pretty high Cool.Please, do yourself a favor and go buy a book of much higher quality plot and writing, ohhhh like.Modelland. What in the hell just happened Did I really read that Oh, my god, I did I did read that Meet Anastasia Steele Ana is just a giant mess of a human being She s insecure to the point of it being laughable, klutzy even though she only trips twice in the entire book , and a complete ditz She s a virgin of course who s never taken any sexual interest in anyone before Right I m fairly certain there hasn t been a woman this naive since round about 1954 At one point, she thinks putting her hair in pigtails will keep her safe from Christian s lusty advances Fuckin really She flushes constantly, and on several occasions referred to her hoo hoo naughty place as down there Next, we have Christian Grey Christian is a misogynistic, self loathing, abusive piece of shit Apparently, his only redeeming qualities are, in this order his ridiculous good looks, his money, and his giant penis The only time Ana seems to like him as a person is when he s being lovable , and those times are few and far between Most of the time he s serious, brooding, and threatening How charming.I knew from the very first line this wasn t going to be good I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror It was cemented that early, my deep, deep dislike for this moronic, simpering asshole Your hair won t behave Guess what My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any sympathy she feels for her sick friend is unwelcome Unwelcome, apparently because her friend is beautiful, even when she has the flu What a petty, jealous cunt The only thing that made the first 4% of this book tolerable was the fact that I read it aloud to my younger brother, and his frequent commentary was amusingly distracting Once he gave up, however, I had to travel the rest of the road alone What a painful journey it was My first impressions of Ana were bad deservedly so What were my first impressions of Christian Well That s how I felt about Christian Grey From the beginning Any time an author tries to sell me on a character s charm by waxing hormonal about how ridiculously good looking he is, I snicker inwardly I can t think why Huh.Anyway, after reading about the description of Christian s building hello, first penis metaphor , I had to sit through the awful dialogue between these smarmy idiots and hope beyond hope that something, anything, would distract me enough to see me through to the end Turns out, I found something about 15% through I went back and counted, and kept track throughout the rest of the book, and do you have any idea how many fucking times Ana said Oh my in this monumentally bad missive Do you I ll tell you 79 79 motherfucking times He pulled me back against his chest oh my He began kissing a trail down my belly, oh my He s an insufferable douchenozzle, oh my I m just thankful that neither lions, tigers, nor bears were brought into this mess at any point About halfway through, I wished I d been keeping track of the word crap because Ana is constantly saying thinking it Crap, Holy Crap, Double and Triple Crap, Oh Crap, This Crap, That Crap, any and all Crap Speaking of crap, if I ever, ever ever have to hear read the words inner goddess again, I m going to construct a pyre out of tampons and maxi pads, light it, and toss unsuspecting women into it My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don t shut the fuck up I m sorry, I just couldn t take any of this seriously His playroom His playroom Really Or how about his weird ass issues with food He wants the girl slim and in shape, yet he won t stop trying to force her to eat I simply love the attempt E.L James made at giving these pathetic shells personalities Ana wears Converse, drives a vintage car, and likes classic British lit Yawn haven t heard any of that before And Christian we know Christian s super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music This is how we know Edward Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love his love of music Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music Music lovers just aren t capable of doing anything bad Surprise Psychos like music, too Since this is considered nothing than mommy porn , I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment Were the sex scenes well written Well, none of it was particularly well written The sex scenes could be kind ofhonestly, they were kind of boring I ve had exciting sex myself, so I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience There s nothing revolutionary here, and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing than a passing, pleasant soreness Riiiight How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth Hello Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection Oh, or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene Oh, you ve already heard about the tampon scene Yeah, same here, although hearing about it and reading the actual scene are a bit different For some reason, you imagine it being worse than it actually is, while at the same time, reading about it is horrifying than you could possibly imagine He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string what Andgently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet Look, I m not against sex during menses, but a guy plucking out a girl s tampon Yeah, gross I m not a prude, but there are certain lines people just shouldn t cross What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana s raggin because he hates using condoms Apparently, Mr GinormoDick doesn t know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he s doing to remedy Ana s sexual ignorance Sexual dependence, thy name is Anastasia Steele We re supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating Hm Well, Christian s supposed sexual prowess makes a bit sense now, as does Ana s assertion that he has a giant bologna wand She has absolutely zero experience, and she s never once had anything in there Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she d still be like, Oh, my glob How is it ever going to fit It s good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms, though, because now she s capable of having like, 15 a day or something It s ridiculous Come to think of it, Christian s obsession with her eating habits makes a bit sense now She was probably beginning to look like something out of a horror movie Seriously, though, are we going to take the word of a girl who is apparently so undersexed she s never even masturbated I guess I can sort of understand this obsession with some kind of an awakening, butreally Oh, he s soooo good in bed How the hell would she know She has absolutely nothing with which to compare, not even her own damn hand Now I ll be totally honest, the biggest issue I have with Fifty Shades of Shit is neither the sex nor the horrible writing It s the plot Thin as it is, it s still there, its core message being that, given enough time, you can change someone While I don t have any problem with this if all you re trying to do is help them to lose weight or quit smoking, when you re talking about an emotionally and dangerously close to physically abusive relationship, sending that kind of message is ridiculous and irresponsible Christian is controlling, possessive, condescending, and cruel He doesn t allow Ana to behave as she normally would, and Ana just puts up with it, insistent that if she can give him what he wants, when he wants, as often as he wants, she can eventually begin to pull his strings Will it work In the books, probably In real life No Almost never How many misguided women are going to waste their lives on some emotionally retarded prick because they ve read shit like this and think this kind of fucked up fairytale will come true for them I ve known women with this mentality Oh, he s so dark and dangerous and threatening, but he s got a sad, lonely side, and if I could just figure out what s wrong, I could change him Wake the fuck up He may be hot, he may have a huge dick, he may even be rich, that doesn t make him a good person It doesn t even make him a potentially good person Quit.Being.A.Fucking.Idiot Look, I can make my words Staccato like Christian Now hold still while I choke you until you pass out Ana and Christian I said don t roll your eyes at me Christian stalks Ana which she turns into a fucking joke , and whispers things to her threateningly She s constantly afraid he s going to beat the crap out of her, and with good reason as he, on than one occasion, tells her he s going to wants to.Potential rape is downplayed Ana s friend, Jake Jose, starts pushing himself on her rather vehemently when they re both drunk Ana repeatedly says no, but Jose just keeps trying to go in for the kill Admiral Chaps busts on up with his riding crop, however, and saves her Ana understandably avoids Jose for a while after that, and when her other friend asks her why, all Ana says is, He made a pass at me Later on, she and Jose are friends again, the attempted kiss forgotten Sigh Rapists appear to be a theme Christian tells Ana that he gets off on having complete and total control over another person This is not just in the bedroom, but in Ana s overall life On several occasions, he fails to yield when Ana says no, plunging on regardless, assured she ll like whatever he does, anyway, so why bother stopping And there are women out there who think this is romantic I wish you the best of luck, ladies Just keep in mind that while you re fantasizing about abusive, misogynistic assholes like Grey, there are a lot of women dealing with the horrors of actually living with men like him For all you ladies bustin out your toys while daydreaming about Hunky Mr Grey, I want you to do something for me It ll only take a moment Close your eyes Think about all the things Christian Grey does in the book Not just those supposed sweet things, but really, everything His condescension, his control, his insane jealousy, his threats..and now.imagine he looks like this Still turned on The end of the book was absolutely hilarious, with Ana fleeing in emotional tumult because Christian can t give her what she needs love sniff And we re treated to her alternately being angry about the pain and humiliation she faced at Christian s hands, and chastising herself for being a failure and for being mean to Christian It really is classic abuse mentality Yet I see her being touted by some as strong and independent It s this kind of ignorant trash that sets feminism back decades Women who defend this book are, however unwittingly, participating in some of the most blatant misogyny I ve ever witnessed, giving the impression that some women enjoy being debased, abused, and controlled outside of a consensual Dom sub relationship This is not a book about BDSM, this is a book about one sick, abusive man and his obsession with a young, naive invertebrate It s a book about a girl who has absolutely no sense of self, who sacrifices any pretense of individuality in order to hold onto a man who doesn t even show her the faintest glimmer of respect It s about two attention starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is like, the best thing ever, OMG It s trite, insulting, and dangerous I fear for any impressionable young women who read this and think that this is how an ideal relationship should operate If nothing else, it should be issued as a guidebook to mothers around the world to show their daughters the kind of man to avoid at all costs This book does good men and indeed, all of humanity a disservice Sigh A bestseller They re thinking of turning it into a movie.I can t Word Count Oh My 79 Crap 101 Jeez 82 Holy shit fuck crap hell cow moses 172 Whoa 13 Gasp 34 Gasps 11 Sharp Intake of Breath 4 Murmur 68 Murmurs 139 Whisper 96 Whispers 103 Mutter 28 Mutters 23 Fifty 16 Lip 71 Inner goddess 58 Subconscious 82Click here for my review of Fifty Shades Darker Fifty Shades, 2.